YuLian's Thoughts?

Seriously, YuLian has got to be the biggest idiot there ever existed.  She's never liked a guy that liked her back.  Ming might have counted except he told her too late and then they never talked face to face again.  And really, she barely liked him anyway.  It was, shall we say, a mutal attraction, but neither of them knew anything inside.

She counts all her friends as luckier than her, because even though some don't have a possible relationship going, at least they can talk to the person they like more often than she can.  And even when YuLian can talk to Shmuh, she's afraid of bothering him, so she doesn't talk to him much.  Plus, she's too shy to say some things.

Even when she does talk to Shmuh, she tends to only show her bad side.  What happened to the caring part of her?  It seems to disappear every time she talks to him.  Does he really bring out the bad side of her?  Or is it just because he doesn't really talk to her that she acts stupid every time they do talk?  YuLian really can't remember being this dumb when she liked Kevin.  At least she was able to show him that she cared by listening to his problems.  But now...

Every time YuLian thinks Shmuh is wrong, he somehow seems to end up right and she ends up wrong and confused.

Maybe it's all because he really doesn't like her and thinks of her as a bother that he doesn't talk to her a lot.  YuLian's always had this problem of loving someone else more than they love her.  Is it happening again?  Does Shmuh regard her as someone important or someone who's insignificant?

Maybe YuLian feels like crud because it's almost Christmas and he's not going to be around for weeks and she's still uncertain of how he feels about her.  Maybe it's because it seems like everyone else is happy except her.  Maybe it's because even when she is happy, she's really confused about how she really feels about everything.  It could even be the fact that some things that Shmuh said to her earlier bugged her even though she tried to brush it off.  Maybe she's been listening to the song "How Do You Know" too much and is expecting too much out of Shmuh.

I guess all YuLian wants from Shmuh this Christmas is how he really feels about her, even if it's a straight rejection.

-YuLian

YuLian apologizes for the confusing-ness of the post but she's trying to separate herself from her feelings and really examine them.  YuLian would really appreciate it if you don't talk to her about the post unless you know exactly who Shmuh is/are Shmuh himself.

Current Mood: lonely

Okay, so I never showed you what I meant by the poem.  But it was the red scarves...  Red yarn.  Sounds so emo.  It reminded me of blood and how life depended on making clothes from knitting sometimes.  Yeah.  Extreme emo-ness right there.

I seriously cannot believe myself.  What did I ever see in him before?  I'm not talking about Shmuh, he's still as kind and silly as ever.  I'm talking about the guy I thought I was in love with a year ago.  I would consider him my first love, and I loved him romantically for almost a year and a half.

Suppose we call this boy "Alex" for the sake of making things easier.  Obviously it's not his real name, but if you know who I'm talking about, you know who I'm talking about.  If you don't, well, you don't.

In senior year, I met Alex through mutual friends.  I never had a class with him and I gradually got to know him during lunchtime, where we would hang out with friends.  I thought he was a sweet and caring guy, a bit silly and dense at times, but a really nice guy overall.  In terms of likes, he was more like a girl; he liked to make things, was more sentimental than the normal guy.  He liked to give things to people.  However he wasn't a Christian.  After maybe a month, I introduced my then sophmore friends to this group of friends and we all sort of hung out together during lunch.

After a few months of getting to know him, I decided to tell him I liked him.  The beginning of winter break, I told him, although online.  He told me he didn't like me that way, that he liked someone else.  I cried, but I accepted it.  (Of course I didn't tell him that I cried.  =.=;)

WHY IS HE SO THOUGHTLESS?!  Honestly!  The card is so expensive, but the words written inside...  I want to strangle him!

Okay, back to our history...  I got over the rejection, and was just friends with him.  After a while, I thought I was over him.  My best friend confessed that she liked Alex, and I was okay with that because I didn't like him that way anymore.  I helped them go to prom together.  At this point, Alex was going to the Marines after we finished high school.  When I go back to it now, it really was a waste to help them get to prom.  

My friend, let's call her "Yulie," she started to stop liking him in the summer.  Part of it was because of the obvious separation that would happen, part of it was because it was mostly a simple crush on her part.  In the end, Alex and Yulie broke up around August.  Alex would always tell me what was wrong, rather than telling Yulie, because he didn't want to burdern her with all the problems.  He also told me it was a waste to have gone to prom, which really bugged me.  After all, I was the one who helped him go to prom.  And to tell me it was a waste?  Wow.  Just wow.  It all ties back to feeling used.  And Alex used me big time.  

Anyway, around the time of the breaking up, I started to like Alex again.  I guess it was all the things he told me about himself, seeing him so vulnerable and so human.  I continued to like him even after he had left for the Marines, up until spring of this year, in which I finally got over him once and for all.  I guess it got through to me that we would never be, and it probably wouldn't work out even if he liked me.  After all, he got drunk, he was far away, he wasn't Christian plus a whole host of other things that my friends told me about him, including the fact that he turned me down because he liked Yulie, "love at first sight".

But even if I stopped liking him romantically, I still thought of him as a friend.  But recently, I don't even care anymore.  I didn't care if he came back, even though about a month ago, I was so happy to think that he would come back.  Or maybe I was just pretending.  And this time just seals it.  

He always forgot about my birthday, never even apologized for not getting me anything for then, or even saying "Happy Birthday."  He never listened to me when I wanted what was good for him, always wanted to go his own way.  If he cared even a little bit about me, he would have changed his habits a little.  And now, even though the card is expensive, the thoughts inside are worth nothing.  Just like that whole page of trash he wrote in my yearbook.  And above all, there are words that I so hate, and he applied them to me.  I'm disgusted by it.  I really want to burn everything he ever gave me.  And I have kept everything, because he was once so precious, and now he's trash.

These are the words he wrote in the card:

Hi Joyce!
How are you doing?
Hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And here that pic that forget to give you last time.
Bye sexy!  LoL!
(Signed -his name-)

(Yes, he has bad grammar.  I wrote it as exactly as possible.)

-YuLian 

EDIT: I guess I should be grateful he even thought of me at all...  -YuLian

Current Mood: aggravated

It's not my fault this sounds so emo...

---

It slides down
warm and smooth
this beautiful red
life

By the light
it shines bright
reminds me of
life

Such a
rhythm in
this beat yes
life

Red, so dark gently
moving down
flash of silver
life

Life vs. death
written here
silver it cuts
life

Sharply in
and out this
silver finishes it
ends 

---

I'm also planning to write another poem, but I need to finish these scarves first.  Guess where the inspiration for the poem came from.  I'll show you tomorrow.

-YuLian

Lately I've been trying to color on the computer.  My first attempt is on my Facebook account.  I don't even use a regular mouse because I do it on my laptop.  It looks nice, but only because the lines are there.  Without the lines... EW!!!  But it was fun.  There's still a lot I have to work on though.

Yesterday I visited Mr. Gillette.  It was fun to talk to him, even though he was still sort of teaching.  I also got to see "Grandpa" which was nice.  Hanging out with Pansy was great too.  I still suck at parking though.  >.>;

On Sunday, I pissed someone off.  Well, I got mad too.  I thought it wasn't fair.  I admit it was partly my fault, I misunderstood that person, and I felt like I was the only one trying to do something.  So on Wed, I finally got some courage to apologize to that person, even though it was online.  I thought through everything that I wrote, and tried to make sure it was perfect.  I tried not to put the blame on that person, and then I sent it.  It was kind of a long apology.  And then about 30 seconds later, I got the response.  Compared to my, maybe, 50 words, all I got was 2.  "Okay fine." 

I don't know about you, but that really bugged me.  I'm not trying to rag on that person, but it feels a little unfair.  I guess that raises the question of, did I really forgive that person in the first place?  I'm not used to apologizing to people, mainly because I usually don't make them mad in the first place.  I guess I feel like I put myself in a weaker position and that person hasn't even tried to get down to my level.  And the thing is, I do a lot for this person.  I'm not saying that they have to reciprocate, but if this is the way it's going to be, I don't want to be used because I'm nice.

Elaine has said I have this issue of letting people walk all over me.  Right now, I feel like I'm being trampled upon.  You know, get all the juice out and then toss aside.  I do nice things because I want to, because I care about the person I help, but sometimes enough really is enough.  I can't stay in a parasitic relationship.  Is this relationship messed up because we're both immature?  Or is it just me?  Are people just friends with me so they can use me?

Sometimes I just feel like an ear, where everyone can pour everything into.  Or as a friend so aptly put it, "a tissue box."  Use me and then trash me.  Really.  Even the friends who have told me that's unfair to myself, and that I shouldn't use that analogy, they have also poured their problems into me and just faded away.  I love listening to my friends' problems.  It makes me feel useful and it's another way for me to care about them, when I can do so little.  But, it's like they don't hear me sometimes, when I want to talk about my own problems.  Probably the few people who actually reciprocate the listening would be Andrew, Melissa, Pansy, Sanna, and Sanchi.  And of those five, only two are Christians.  And one of them is my own brother.  Isn't that kind of sad?  The people who I'm "closest" to, who might call me a good friend...  I feel like they hardly know me.

The reason why I wrote all of this is because I want that person to read this and understand what I'm feeling.  I've tried very hard not to let anyone figure out about who that person is because this is a problem for the both of us to fix.  So I've disabled comments on this journal.  If you feel the need to comment about this post, please email me or message me on Facebook.  Thanks.

-YuLian

Current Mood: sad

It's been nearly a month since I last posted... Mainly because I'm too lazy to post.  Oh well.  Anyway...  A lot has happened in a month.  I still like Shmuh and I've been wondering if I should tell him I like him.  I kind of want to... but I'm so unsure of how he feels about me!

Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday and I guess I will think about this whole year and everything that's happened...  This post is going to be long!

There have been lots of ups and downs since I turned 18.  I've grown closer to some people and I've drifted from others.  It's been a little more than a year since I first joined AOW and I'm so glad I made that choice because I was so scared I wouldn't fit into the group.  Now it's like my family, with some people pissing me off (hah, just like family) and others who are so close to me.  Especially Rebecca.  =]  Love you dearie!

This year, I've gotten a lot closer to the people at church.  It's been another wonderful year of change.  If I look at it this way, my senior year was the year where I began to be more social at school and more into church than before, last year was a year to grow more in church, and this year is the year where I would be depressed not to go to church and act and sing, though I've become a little less social in school.  Still, people get the feeling that I'm really shy and somewhat antisocial.  If you ask the right people, they will tell you that you are definitely wrong!

Also during this year, I had to face problems with my leg and how to deal with it.  Also, my parents trust me more because this summer, I really hung out with people at the mall and took them without my parents also sitting in the car as well.  My parents have grown to understand that I really can be loud and audible.  Hah.  They didn't think I could do it.

Life hasn't been all fun and games.  I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing, by being a teacher.  There are a lot of things I really would like to do too and sometimes I wonder if I really want to be a teacher or just because my mom is one and I've "wanted" to for so long.  Meh.  I love my job even if it is stressful now because of 14 students and trying to rush them into about 10 hrs.  If they all came in the morning, I could totally do it.  But since they don't, it's harder.  Especially if they come later.  ARGH.

Another awesome thing about this year, I managed to do SOME of my resolutions for this year.  Some are getting finished, and others... totally down the drain.  I attribute some of the stuff getting done to the fact that this list is on my mirror.  It's gonna be hard to get off of the mirror though...  (Dry erase markers are fun on mirrors)

Basically, I'm pretty happy with what I've become, more outgoing and happier, even though I really don't talk to some old friends, I know that I've grown a lot this year again!  I hope it keeps up!  =]  See you all in the journey of life.

(Gawsh, I didn't say much bad stuff, did I?)

2 hr 7 min left of being 18...

-YuLian

Anyway, I couldn't go on yesterday because my bro wasn't supposed to be on either.  So if he can't go on, I can't go on.  =[

Well, yesterday I realized that I actually have LESS THAN A MONTH to go before my 19th birthday!  AUGH!!!  I mean, aside from my random ranting about it to my friends, AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I still feel like I'm 16 and most people that don't know me think I'm, what, 14?  15?

Ow ow ow...  =/  I just stretched and my arms are SORE.  I had PE yesterday...  I got dizzy a couple of times during PE because I'm sick so I tried not to work too hard.  Then I went home and rested, then went back to school for Child Development.  We were supposed to switch classes but the professor we were supposed to switch with was being a pain and didn't let us switch.  So we stood around in the hallway for, oh, 15-20 minutes (yay for wasting class time!) while our professor cleared things up.  So we will switch tomorrow.

After that, I sat around waiting for my Theatre Arts class to start.  It was pretty interesting.  The class is really small and there are only 2 guys, not including the teacher.  Class is supposed to end at 8:30!!! but we agreed we would normally end around 7:50 and yesterday we ended at about 6:30.  That, unfortunately, created a hassle for my dad because the family was at a restaurant celebrating the Moon Festival.  Uhhh oops?

I went home and ate and was sleepy and watched TV with Anch.  Then at 9 I called my friend who didn't pick up, so I called my other friend, Pansy, and chatted until he called.  So I linked the calls.  Turns out Matthew's really stressed and tired.  Poor guy.  His family is putting so much pressure on him to do well PLUS he's in varsity for waterpolo AND swim.  AND because Mr. Lai is biased against guys, he had to do 27 pages of notes over to get credit.  Man that sucks.  Plus he's a junior...  At least it seems as though Pansy and Matthew will be okay.  I mean, their relationship anyway.  Haha...  ><;

Relationships make me think about Shmuh...  ~_~;

-YuLian

Current Mood: giggly

I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS  I HATE DOCTORS

Did I mention...  I HATE DOCTORS!!!

I mean, less than 24 hours ago, I posted on this journal and I already have reason to post on it again!  Pathetic, yes?

Last night I had lovely dreams and woke up happy. I knew I had a doctor's appointment but I was okay with that.  Sorta nervous but okay.  Sat around and waited for the doctor.  And then I find out a whole buncha stuff that I really would be happier not knowing.  Suffice it to say I have issues about doctors and a couple other things?  Unless you know the whole story about me, I'm not going to say anymore about this.

Questions to ponder:  
Have you ever felt like your parents feel guilty for something they really had no control over?
Do you think they blame people who led them to the decisions that really screwed up?
Do you ever know who you are but at the same time wonder what the freak everyone's been doing to you?

Gosh, I hate my body.  (And no, I'm not anorexic or bulimic or have any other eating disorders.)

-YuLian

Current Mood: blank

I have a blog now!  OMGOSH... weird.  Haha.  I'll try to update every day if I can/ I remember.

Hmm...I don't like being sick or cold or tired.  Feeling guilty is also kind of a weird thing too.  It wasn't my choice to have this part.  And if I try hard while someone decides not to try as hard, it's not my fault.  The only remedy is for everyone to try hard.  Equally.  Even if it sucks to work hard while everyone else slacks off.  Blehhhh...

My head hurts.  I hate school...

-YuLian